Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Madame Librarian

Random people like to tell me their business. This goes no less for my library experience.

My library never has any book I want. Ever. I think that card carrying members check out my kind of books and never bring them back. These real or imaginary folks are censoring my library.

I am a glutton for punishment, however, and I keep going back.

This time I hit pay dirt and most every book was in or waiting in queue for ME! Wow! And double wow at all the cell phones ringing in every corner of book shelves and surrounding tables. One gentleman, and I use that term loosely, was loudly announcing HELLO into his device. The building is a fortress, dude. Whoever is calling can not hear you and YOU CAN NOT HEAR THEM! Five hellos later, while walking around still did not connect him to his important call.

I step up to the librarian stand (my description and not a fruit or vegetable in sight) and I address the ladies with eyes blinking rapidly and wonder in my words, "What happened to silence in the library?"

The answer comes out with sighs of resignation about the signs posted everywhere. Then it happens. I ask the two ladies if they have ever thought of a poker and I offer a hand signal of zapping because I can't find the right word and one of the ladies fills in the blank with a resounding, "cattle prod?" Then the other lady says, "how about a taser!?" She adds, "I've thought about a bull horn and sneaking up on the offenders and shhhhhing loudly behind them." They both summed up the conversation with "now you know what librarians dream about."

Thank you ladies for sharing your business with me. You made me laugh.


  1. Great post, Lillian! I think I would like to be a librarian in another life. I dream of quiet...and books, stacks and stacks of them. Oh wait, that's not a dream.

  2. Hello Lillian,
    The folks at LinkedIn suggested I might know you. After ransacking my brain for a split second, I came across a dormant cell with a recollection of our day under the sun in Portales. So I thought it might be a good idea to at least say hi.
    I’ve aged ten years since then…give or take a few. At this stage of life, I tend to spend the better part of each day at the public library. I enjoy making as much noise as possible. My favorite ploy is to pretend I’m talking to someone on the cell phone. I roam around saying, “Hello? Hello? Can you hear me now?” I got the idea from an annoying tv commercial. Of course there’s no one on the other end, but I do hope to one day have an accomplice.
    I love the look of dismay it summons from the other patrons. And the librarians too. A few hours of doing this leaves me feeling refreshed, like I’ve done something meaningful. As you can see, I’m all about doing socially productive work for the sake of the common good.
    I also like to stash books I’m sure people want. I know of at least thirty I hid over a year ago that have yet to be found. Sometimes I linger at the library counter and listen to people bemoan their inability to find a book after months of searching for it. I like to think I played a small role in that.
    A few years back, I founded an association for like-minded people. It has since gone national, though I have yet to see my first members from Florida and Maine. I’ve had numerous inquiries from both, but no one seems willing to pay the $10,000 per year membership fee. I don’t understand. We’ve gained so much prestige in a very short amount of time, and it’s really a bargain basement price. Go figure, huh?
    Anyway, that pretty much sums it up for me.
    Best Regards,
    Ken R.
    P.S.- all kidding aside, I just wanted to say hi.

  3. Hello Ken! So, you are the one who hides the books. Lucky for others that I find those misplaced books and put them in their proper places. One lady did check out all the Gossip Girl books from the county library and wouldn't bring them back. She said the books were too smutty to be put into the teen section. The librarians didn't take to the censorship and re-catorgized the books as Adult. The lady approved and brought them back and had to pay late fees! Justice!

    Sounds like you're a bazillionaire. Way to go!
    And all from just being mischievous.